i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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