I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
