I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
