I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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