I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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