Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
