The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
