Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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