Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
