Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
