Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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