I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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