ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
