note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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