i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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