just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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