Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
