At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
