End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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