I love black thongs
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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