My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
