allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
