i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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