oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
