she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
