Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
