Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
