I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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