Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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