So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
