seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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