remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she pinky promised me she was 18
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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