Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
