I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
