please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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