Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
