Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
