There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
