Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
