Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
As shirtless as possible
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
