hotel room ftw
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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