i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
