I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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