why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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