I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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