Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
