I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
