i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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