Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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