as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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