she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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