So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
